Column: Say Cheese! Chris Howard discusses his family’s love of fromage

Halloumi, Stinking Bishop or Cheddar? To mark National Cheese Day, this month, coast-walking Dad Chris Howard discusses the cubs’ passion for fromage

National Cheese Day is upon us and I along with the cubs have questions. I’ve said it before; there seems to be a day or week for just about everything. That in itself is an oddity to me as I don’t remember there being so many when I was a kid; I remember Mother’s Day and Father’s Day and well. . . Christmas Day, so how do we keep up with it all?

When I think back over the last few years at home with the cubs, I can think of many cheese-related incidents that have brought us both joy and tear-inducing pongs.

When I was a kid, there were two types of cheese; sliced and grated. Now, however, asking my three little dairy queens ‘what’s your favourite cheese?’, I’m met with all manner of middle-class exoticisms. Thing One bursts with excitement at the idea she might be getting a whole triangle of Brie for lunch. Thing Two sighs ‘Camembert Daddy, you know that’, and Youngest Thing rolls eyes, shakes head and says ‘I just love cheese, all cheese, I’m the cheese queen’ gesticulating towards the fridge.

The cubs are lucky enough that we like to try new and different things all the time so there are Goudas, Comte, Morbier and lumps of Black Bomber or Jarlsberg on offer to try and if by chance we’re in the Market Square or passing the Cambridge Cheese Shop all eyes widen with wonder. The cubs look at me, look at the lady on the counter and look at me again waiting eagerly to be asked ‘What would you like to try?’. That’s my first mistake, as I can feel the gannets rising in them. . .Thing One tries the one with chilli, Thing Two asks for the orange one and Youngest Thing cheekily smiles and says with a slight chuckle ‘all of them!’.

At home we’re always dipping warm bread or carrot sticks into a baked Camembert-style fondue except for the one time Thing Two decided she’d bake the Camembert in the microwave. Picture the scene as the waxed wheel of cheese exploded releasing the worst sewage swamp smell around the entire house, molten cheese dripped from the walls and clumps of bubbling white wax stuck to the door of the microwave. If you ever wondered if you could microwave a Camembert, the answer is emphatically, No!

This year also marks the return of the famous Gloucestershire Cheese Rolling competition, a tradition that’s been going for over 600 years! Though the origins are unknown it’s said to have been a pagan festival to mark the beginning of summer. Only in Britain could such an incredibly bizarre occasion exist; it’s as quintessentially British as Lent Bumps on the Cam. When I tell the cubs about it, they immediately look it up on YouTube laughing hysterically at the stumbles of many a man as the rolling cheese wheels escape them down a very steep hill. ‘It’s a cheese race!” proclaims Youngest Thing.

It gets us all talking about what world problems could be solved using cheese rolling. Imagine if instead of waiting for white smoke after days of conclave at the Vatican we simply rolled all prospective new popes down a hill in Gloucestershire and the one that reaches the bottom first would be sworn in as new Pontiff. Albeit slightly bruised. It would bring new meaning to the infamous Stinking Bishop cheese from Gloucestershire.

Perhaps when naming a newborn baby, we should write a handful of names on cheese and send them hurtling towards the expectant parents waiting at the bottom of Castle Mound and they would have the name sent directly into their arms via an Edam or Stilton. Probably best to avoid the Wensleydale though as it crumbles far too easily. Hmmm, now I’m wondering if I prefer wine or port with cheese. . . ‘Cubs! Grab the halloumi, we’re going rolling - I’ve got some decisions to make!’.

Read more about Chris’s adventures at thecoastwalker.com